What do you call a loony spaceman?

An astronut.
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Why did the cookie go to the Doctor?

Because he was feeling crumby.
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I tried nutella on some salmon

got salmonella.
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How many times does Bill Clinton change a light bulb?

No one knows. Republicans automatically disbelieve him, and no one can ever trust a stinking liberal anyway.
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I went down the local supermarket, I said, "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it",

he said, "Those are pickled onions".

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How does an attorney sleep?

First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.
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What did the grape say when the elephant stepped on it?

It gave a little wine
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Why does Donald Trump prefer E.T. to illegal immigrants?

Because E.T. eventually went home!
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How does a mouse feel after it takes a shower?

Squeaky clean
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What did the flag say to the pole?

Nothing, it just waved.
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