What do you call a loony spaceman?

An astronut.
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Whenever I get to Edinburgh, I'm reminded of the definition of a gentleman.

It's someone who knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.
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Why did the banana go to the hospital?

Because he wasn't peeling well!

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Clowns divorce:

custardy battle.

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How many agnostics does it take to change a light bulb?

None. Agnostics question whether electricity really exists.

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What's the only difference between Donald Trump and Bozo the Clown?

Bozo The Clown has real hair on his head.
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How many tenors does it take to change a light bulb?

Four. One to change the bulb and three to whine "It's too high"

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What's the difference between an accountant and a lawyer?

Accountants know they're boring.

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If you don't know what introspection is,

you need to take a long, hard look at yourself.
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A Freudian slip is when you mean to say one thing

but you accidentally say Mother.
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