What do you call a loony spaceman?

An astronut.
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What did the porcupine say to the cactus?

Is that you mommy?
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There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest.. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win.

Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
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Who did Frankenstein take to the dance?

His "ghoul" friend!
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What did the Donald tell an illegal immigrant who was trying to put out a fire at Trump Tower?

No way Hose A.
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What do you call a baby bear with no teeth?

A gummy bear
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Have you heard the one about a chemist who was reading a book about helium?

He just couldn't put it down.
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How many junkies does it take to change a light bulb?

Oh wow, is it, like, dark, man?
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What do Santa's elves drive?

Minivans.
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How many grips does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two: One to hold it, one to hammer it in.
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