What do you call a loony spaceman?

An astronut.
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What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of manure?

The bucket.
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What's the difference between a tick and a lawyer?

The tick falls off when you are dead.
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I just deleted all the German names off my phone.

It’s Hans free.
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What is the chemical formula for "coffee"?

CoFe2
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What do you do if your cat swallows your pencil?

Use a pen.
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What does GOP stand for?

Grabs Our Pussy.
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Why don't bears wear shoes?

What's the use, they'd still have bear feet
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Kleptomaniacs just don't get puns

they always take things literally.
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What's the difference between a lawyer and a leech?

After you die, a leech stops sucking your blood.
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