What do you call a loony spaceman?

An astronut.
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What does Donald Trump say when he can't find his Viagra?

"The erection is rigged!"
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How do you make Holy water?

Take regular water and just boil the hell out of it.
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I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day

but I couldn't find any.

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How does a dog stop a video?

He presses the paws button.
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Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?

On the bottom.
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I bought some shoes off of a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with

but I've been trippin' all day.
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What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?

Frostbite.
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Kim Kardashian is saddled with a huge arse.

but enough about Kanye West.
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Helium walks into a bar,
The bar tender says "We don't serve noble gasses in here."

Helium doesn't react.
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