What do you call a loony spaceman?

An astronut.
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What do you call a smiling, courteous person at a bar association convention?

The caterer.
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Who can hold up a bus with one hand?

A crossing guard.
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I don’t play soccer because I enjoy the sport.

I’m just doing it for kicks.
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What do you get from a bad-tempered shark?

As far away as possible.
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Why did the sun go to school?

To get brighter!
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Whenever I get to Edinburgh, I'm reminded of the definition of a gentleman.

It's someone who knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.
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If H20 is water, what is H204?

Drinking, bathing, washing, swimming, etc.
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How many anarchists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

All of them.
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What do you call a scared train?

A fright train!
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