What do you call a loony spaceman?

An astronut.
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What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?

One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter.
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Why would an elephant paint its toenails different colors?

To hide in a bag of M&M's.
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How many New Yorkers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None 'o yo' fuckin' business!
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"I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it,

it was a shitzu."
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Why did the turtle cross the road?

To get to the shell station.
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How many Director's does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Just one more, guys, I promise.
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Why did the doughnut shop close?

The owner got tired of the (w)hole business!
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How many folk singers does it take to change a light bulb?

Two — one to change the bulb, and one to write a song about how good the old light bulb was.
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What's an alligator's favorite drink?

Gator-Ade.
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