What do you call a loony spaceman?

An astronut.
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Why couldn't the pirates play cards?

They were sitting on the deck!
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Trump: "It's not a toupee,

I just found the Bush that Jeb lost."
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Why did the elephant leave the circus?

He was tired of working for peanuts.
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So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds".

I said, "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".
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What kind of dessert does a ghost like?

I scream!
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What do you call a mommy cow that just had a calf?

Decalfinated
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If H20 is water, what is H204?

Drinking, bathing, washing, swimming, etc.
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How do you prevent a Summer cold?

Catch it in the Winter!
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How many Union Lighting Technicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

It's not a bulb, it's a globe.
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