What do you call a loony spaceman?

An astronut.
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How many orgy attenders does it take to change a lightbulb?

As many as possible, and don't *ask* what they do with the old bulb.
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How do you make an egg laugh?

Tell it a yolk.
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What's the first thing a musician says at work?

"Would you like fries with that?"

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How do you catch a tame bird?

The tame way, unique up on it!
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What's the difference between a tick and a lawyer?

The tick falls off when you are dead.
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How many thought police does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None. There never was any light bulb.

Notes: Probably the only really good light bulb joke of 1984.
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Who earns a living by driving his customers away?

A taxi driver.
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Whenever I get to Edinburgh, I'm reminded of the definition of a gentleman.

It's someone who knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.
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Why can't a bicycle stand up?

Because it's two tired!
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