What do you call a loony spaceman?

An astronut.
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What do you call a Mexican who has lost his car?

Carlos.
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What robs you while you're in the bathtub?

A robber ducky.
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How many U.S. Marines does it take to change a light bulb?

Fifty — one to screw in the bulb and 49 to guard him/her.
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How did the telephone propose to his girlfriend?

He gave her a ring.
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Where does a ten ton elephant sit?

Anywhere it wants to
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What has three letters and starts with gas?

A car
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A pair of eyebrows walked into a shop. The assistant asked, "Can I help you?"

The eyebrows replied, "no, we are just browsing"
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What's green and flies as fast as a speeding bullet?

Super Pickle!
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Whenever I get to Edinburgh, I'm reminded of the definition of a gentleman.

It's someone who knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.
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