What do you call a mad elephant?

An earthquake.
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What do you get when you drop a piano on an army base?

A Flat Major

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What did the one penny say to the other penny?

We make perfect cents.
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What fish only swims at night?

A starfish.
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Why didn't the skeleton go to the ball?

Because he had no BODY to go with.
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What time is it when 5 dogs chase 1 cat?

Five after one.
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Why did the thief take a shower?

He wanted to make a clean getaway!
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A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named 'Amal.' The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan'. Years later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal.

Her husband responds, "But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

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I thought about going on an all-almond diet.

But that's just nuts
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