What do you call a mad elephant?

An earthquake.
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What cheese do you use to coax a bear out of the woods with?

Camembert.
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How many actors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

100: One to do it and ninety-nine to say "I could've done that."
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Why did the calendar write its will?

Its days were numbered.
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Why couldn't the pirates play cards?

They were sitting on the deck!
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Where do cars go for a swim?

At the carpool!
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How do you know the economy is only getting worse?

On the latest episode of "Celebrity Apprentice", Donald Trump fired himself!
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What do you call a pig that's been arrested for dangerous driving?

A road hog.
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How do you stop a dog barking in the back seat of a car?

Put him in the front seat.
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