What do you call a messy hippo?

A hippopota-mess
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I thought about going on an all-almond diet.

But that's just nuts
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What did the laywer name his daughter?

Sue.
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How many UNIX hacks does it take to change a light bulb?

As many as you want; they're all virtual anyway.
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How many sopranos does it take to change a light bulb?

Three. One to climb the ladder while the second kicks the ladder out from under her. And the third to say, "I knew that was too high for you dear."
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Jesus fed 5000 people with two fishes and a loaf of bread.

That's not a miracle. That's tapas.
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Who did Frankenstein take to the dance?

His "ghoul" friend!
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What do you call a cow in a tornado?

A milkshake
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