What do you call a musician with a college degree?

Night manager at McDonalds

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Why does Donald Trump prefer E.T. to illegal immigrants?

Because E.T. eventually went home!
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Where does Friday come before Monday?

In the dictionary.
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There are 10 kinds of people in the world.

Those who read binary and those who don't.
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What element is a girl's future best friend?

Carbon.
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Why did the thief take a shower?

He wanted to make a clean getaway!
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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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What creature is smarter than a talking parrot?

A spelling bee!
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How many dull people does it take to change a light bulb?

One.
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I tried nutella on some salmon

got salmonella.
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