What do you call a parrot that flew away?

A polygon
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What do Donald Trump and a baby have in common?

They both whine alot!
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What do you call a cow that eats your grass?

A lawn moo-er.
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Two chemists go into a restaurant.
The first one says "I think I'll have an H2O."

The second one says "I think I'll have an H2O too" -- and he died.
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How can a pregnant woman tell that she's carrying a future lawyer?

She has an uncontrollable craving for bologna.
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How did the butcher introduce his wife?

Meet Patty.
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What is the best thing to do if you find a gorilla in your bed?

Sleep somewhere else.
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Why did the calendar write its will?

Its days were numbered.
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Why did the computer squeak?

Someone stepped on its mouse.
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A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

The blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"
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