What do you call a parrot that flew away?

A polygon
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The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper.

She was wearing massive gloves.
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Why can't Donald Trump be a Lannister?

Because he never pays his debts.
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Why did the boy put candy under his pillow?

Because he wanted sweet dreams.
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How do you make Holy water?

Take regular water and just boil the hell out of it.
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Why did the boy take a ladder to school?

He wanted to go to high school!
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Whenever I get to Edinburgh, I'm reminded of the definition of a gentleman.

It's someone who knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.
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What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?

One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter.
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What is "HIJKLMNO"?

H2O.
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Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself?

It was two tired.
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