What do you call a pig that's been arrested for dangerous driving?

A road hog.
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How does a train sneeze?

Ah-choo-choo!
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How did the egg cross the road?

It scrambled across!
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What's worse than a worm in your apple?

Half a worm.
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When the attendant asked the photon if it had any bags to check

It said Nah, I'm traveling light.
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How many fatalists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

What does it matter? we're all gonna die anyway.
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Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?

On the bottom.
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How many New Yorkers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None 'o yo' fuckin' business!
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Went to the paper shop -

it had blown away.
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