What do you call a pig that's been arrested for dangerous driving?

A road hog.
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What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pitbull?

Lipstick.
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Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?

He didn't have any guts!
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I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase.

I can hardly contain myself.

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A small piece of sodium that lived in a test tube fell in love with a Bunsen burner. "Oh Bunsen, my flame," the sodium pined. "I melt whenever I see you,"

The Bunsen burner replied, "It's just a phase you're going through."
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Why did the Christmas tree go to the barber?

It needed to be trimmed.
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What kind of cats like to go bowling?

Alley cats.
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How is Donald Trump going to create middle class jobs?

By paying them to cheer for him during campaign events.
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What happens when you play Beethoven backwards?

He decomposes.

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