What do you call a pig that's been arrested for dangerous driving?

A road hog.
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What has one horn and gives milk?

A milk truck.
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I thought about going on an all-almond diet.

But that's just nuts
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Why did the boy put candy under his pillow?

Because he wanted sweet dreams.
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How many Roman Catholics does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two. One to do the screwing, and one to hear the confession.
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I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags,

he's bisatchel.

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What do you give a sick bird?

Tweetment.
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Why did the turtle cross the road?

To get to the shell station.
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I don’t play soccer because I enjoy the sport.

I’m just doing it for kicks.
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