What do you call a pig that's been arrested for dangerous driving?

A road hog.
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A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off.

"because," he said "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
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Someone threw a bottle of omega 3 pills at me

Luckily my injuries were only super fish oil
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Why are Muslims worried about Trumps immigration plans?

Once you deport Juan you deport Jamal.
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Why did the doughnut shop close?

The owner got tired of the (w)hole business!
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What kind of phones do people in jail use?

Cell phones
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What do you call a Mexican who has lost his car?

Carlos.
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Why did the scientist take out his doorbell?

He wanted to win the no-bell prize!
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What did the laywer name his daughter?

Sue.
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