What do you call a pig that's been arrested for dangerous driving?

A road hog.
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What can you hold without ever touching it?

A conversation.
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What's the difference between a jellyfish and a lawyer?

One's a spineless, poisonous blob. The other is a form of sea life.
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What are pirate's favoite treat?

Chips AHOY!!
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Want to hear a joke about construction?

I'm still working on it.
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How many plastic surgeons does it take to change a light bulb?

Just one, but he'll also want to do something about your nose.
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How do you stop a dog barking in the back seat of a car?

Put him in the front seat.
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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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What's gray, eats fish, and lives in Washington, D.C.?

The Presidential Seal.
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