What do you call a pig that's been arrested for dangerous driving?

A road hog.
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Why did the Christmas tree go to the barber?

It needed to be trimmed.
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What does one bucket say to the other?

I am feeling pale today.
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Where are cars most likely to get flat tires?

At forks in the road.
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What does an octopus wear when it gets cold?

A coat of arms.
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Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?

It's fine, he woke up.
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I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags,

he's bisatchel.

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So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds".

I said, "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".
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How do you know the economy is only getting worse?

On the latest episode of "Celebrity Apprentice", Donald Trump fired himself!
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