What do you call a pig that's been arrested for dangerous driving?

A road hog.

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If minorities have the race card and women have the gender card, what do rednecks have?

The Trump Card
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I thought about going on an all-almond diet.

But that's just nuts
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How do you make a goldfish old?

Take away the g

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What`s black & white & red all over?

An embarrased mime!

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What do you use to tie saplings to a piano so the saplings won't blow away?

Root position cords.

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How do you catch a tame bird?

The tame way, unique up on it!

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Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?

Great food, no atmosphere.
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When is it bad luck to be followed by a black cat?

When you're a mouse.
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