What do you call a pig who knows karate?

Porkchop
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So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants,

it was Wedgie Kray.

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How do you catch a squirrel?

Climb up a tree and act like a nut
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What starts with E, ends with E and only has one letter?

An envelope.
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How do you know Donald Trump is talking to you?

Cause your the only one Hair.
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Why do cows wear bells?

Because their horns don't work.

There were two cows in a field. The first cow said "moo" and the second cow said "baaaa." The first cow asked the second cow, "why did you say baaaa?" The second cow said, "I'm learning a foreign language."
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How many believable, competent, ``just-right-for-the-job'' presidential candidates does it take to change a light bulb?

It's going to be a dark 4 years, isn't it?
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What do you call a man with a rubber toe?

Roberto.
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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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