What do you call a public servant who doesn't take crap from Republicans or Democrats?

Donald Trump.
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What did the grape say when the elephant stepped on it?

It gave a little wine

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Why did the cow cross the road?

Because the chicken was on vacation.

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How many actors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

100: One to do it and ninety-nine to say "I could've done that."

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What did the sardine call the submarine?

A can of people.

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What do ghosts use to wash their hair?

Shamboo!
Frankenstein: Witch can you make me a lemonade?
Witch: Poof you are a lemonade!
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Someone threw a bottle of omega 3 pills at me

Luckily my injuries were only super fish oil
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A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says:

"Pint please, and one for the road."

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What does a witch use to keep her hair up?

Scarespray!
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