What do you call a sad bird?

A bluebird!
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How many Psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one, but the bulb has got to really WANT to change.
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Making bad chemistry jokes because all the good ones Argon
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How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?

One. But the guitarist has to show him first.

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What did the picture say to the wall?

I've been framed!
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What kind of ties can't you wear?

Railroad ties.
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I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said "may contain nuts." Well, YES! That's what I bought the buggers for!

You'd be annoyed if you opened it and a socket set fell out!"

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Why don't they know where Mozart is buried?

Because he's Haydn.

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How is Donald Trump going to shut down the Department of Education?

By renaming it Trump University.
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I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said "Eurostar?"

I said, "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".
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