What do you call a sad bird?

A bluebird!
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Why did God make snakes just before lawyers?

To practice.
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How many guitar players does it take to change a light bulb?

Five. One to change the bulb and eleven to say they could do it faster.

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Slept like a log last night........

Woke up in the fireplace.

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What do you do when 50 zombies surround your house?

Hope it's Halloween!!
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How is Donald Trump going to shut down the Department of Education?

By renaming it Trump University.
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What is "HIJKLMNO"?

H2O.
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Why did the surfer think the sea was his friend?

Because it gave him a big wave!
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Why was the cat afraid of a tree?

Because of the bark
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So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants,

it was Wedgie Kray.

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