What do you call a scared train?

A fright train!
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If H20 is water, what is H204?

Drinking, bathing, washing, swimming, etc.
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What did the dog say to the flea?

Stop bugging me!
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What kind of dog has a bark but no bite?

A Dogwood
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Why didn't the skeleton go to the ball?

Because he had no BODY to go with.
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When does New Year's Day come before Christmas Day?

Every year!
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I just deleted all the German names off my phone.

It’s Hans free.
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What do you give a sick bird?

Tweetment.
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So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds".

I said, "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".
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