What do you call a scared train?

A fright train!
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What do birds say on Halloween?

Twick o tweet
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Earlier this year I saw The Theory of Everything – loved it.

Should've been called Look Who's Hawking, that's my only criticism.
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What do you call a thieving alligator?

A crookodile
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"Dyslexic man walks into a bra"
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What did the Mass Spectrometer say to the Gas Chromatograph?

Breaking up is hard to do.
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How many plastic surgeons does it take to change a light bulb?

Just one, but he'll also want to do something about your nose.
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What did the dog say to the flea?

Stop bugging me
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How many Roman Catholics does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two, one to screw it in, and another to repent.

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