What do you call a sleeping bull?

A bulldozer
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The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper.

She was wearing massive gloves.
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I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said "may contain nuts." Well, YES! That's what I bought the buggers for!

You'd be annoyed if you opened it and a socket set fell out!"

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Why don't bears wear shoes?

What's the use, they'd still have bear feet
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How many guitar players does it take to change a light bulb?

Five. One to change the bulb and eleven to say they could do it faster.

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A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says:

"Pint please, and one for the road."

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What is the chemical formula for "coffee"?

CoFe2
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A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named 'Amal.' The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan'. Years later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal.

Her husband responds, "But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

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Have you seen the new HGTV show about the Whitehouse makeover?

It's called "Trump It or Dump It".
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