What do you call a sleeping bull?

A bulldozer
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I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said "may contain nuts." Well, YES! That's what I bought the buggers for!

You'd be annoyed if you opened it and a socket set fell out!"

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What kind of table has no legs.

A multiplication table.
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How many actors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

100: One to do it and ninety-nine to say "I could've done that."
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Why won't sharks attack lawyers?

Professional courtesy.
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What did the belly button say just before it left?

I'm outtie here!

Tom: I bet I can make you say purple.
Joe: How?
Tom: What colors are in the American flag?
Joe: Red, white and blue.
Tom: I told you I can make you say red.
Joe: You said purple!
Tom: I told you I could make you say purple!
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What did the painter say to the wall?

I got you covered.
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What do you call a beautiful woman on a trombonist's arm?

A tattoo.

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What did the teddy bear say when it was offered dessert?

No thank you, I'm stuffed.
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