What do you call a slow skier?

A slopepoke!
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Where do fortune tellers dance?

At the crystal ball.

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"My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance.

We'll see about that."

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Why did the football coach go to the bank?

To get his quarterback.
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A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

The blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"

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Why did the dog cross the road twice?

He was trying to fetch a boomerang

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Clowns divorce:

custardy battle.

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How many Jewish American Princesses does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two, one to call Daddy, and one to get the (pick one:) mineral water/Tab.

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How many apples grow on a tree?

All of them.
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What is a cat's favorite movie?

The sound of Mew-sic

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