What do you call a slow skier?

A slopepoke!
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What goes around a haunted house and never stops?

A fence.
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What do you use to tie saplings to a piano so the saplings won't blow away?

Root position cords.

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Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?

It's fine, he woke up.
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How many stock brokers does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to take out the bulb and drop it, and the other to try and sell it before it crashes (knowing that it's already burned out).
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What happened when the lion ate the comedian?

He felt funny.
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What kind of dog has a bark but no bite?

A Dogwood
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How does Donald Trump intend to spice up the Republican Convention?

By relocating it to a casino!
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Why do cows wear bells?

Because their horns don't work.

There were two cows in a field. The first cow said "moo" and the second cow said "baaaa." The first cow asked the second cow, "why did you say baaaa?" The second cow said, "I'm learning a foreign language."
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When is a car not a car?

When it turns into a garage.
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