What do you call a smiling, courteous person at a bar association convention?

The caterer.
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What do cats and dogs call Santa Clause?

Santa paws!!!
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What does Santa like to do in the garden?

Hoe, hoe, hoe!
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What does the winner of the race lose?

His breath.
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How many supporters of George W. Bush does it take to change a light bulb?

None. First, denounce the nearest Democrats as liberal pantywaists who deliberately caused the bulb to blow. Second, announce that the Bush administration has proved that the science of electricity is faulty, so no action ever needs to be taken on global light change. Third, keep the need for a new light bulb strictly secret. Fourth, use the money for new light bulbs as an excuse for another tax cut for Bush's wealthy friends. Fifth, explain that you would never "disassemble" about the need for light, you are way too busy spreading freedom and democracy in the Middle East by eliminating freedom and democracy in the United States.
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What do you do if your dog chews a dictionary?

Take the words out of his mouth
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What did the sardine call the submarine?

A can of people.
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What is the definition of a "crying shame"?

There was an empty seat.
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What do you call a mad elephant?

An earthquake.
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How do you make a band stand?

Take their chairs away!
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