What do you call a smiling, courteous person at a bar association convention?

The caterer.
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I thought about going on an all-almond diet.

But that's just nuts
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What did one eye say to the other?

Between you and me, something smells.
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How many hardware engineers does it take to change a light bulb?

None. Any changes will have to be implemented in software.
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How many Federal employees does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Sorry, that item has been cut from the budget!
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What are the 10 letters of the pirate alphabet?

Aye, Aye, Arr and the Seven C's
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Middle C, E-Flat and G walk into a bar.

Sorry, says the barman, we don't serve minors.
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What does GOP stand for?

Grabs Our Pussy.
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What do you call a beautiful woman on a trombonist's arm?

A tattoo.

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What cheese do you use to coax a bear out of the woods with?

Camembert.
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