What do you call a smiling, courteous person at a bar association convention?

The caterer.
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What do clarinetists use for birth control?

Their personalities.

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What did the grape say when the elephant stepped on it?

It gave a little wine
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What do you call an exploding monkey?

A baboom
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When should you buy a bird?

When it's going cheep!

Did you hear the one about the crow and the telephone pole?
He wanted to make a long distance caw.
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What did the flag say to the pole?

Nothing, it just waved.
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Where do cars go for a swim?

At the carpool!
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Two aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married.

The ceremony was rubbish - but the reception was brilliant.

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What' the difference between a lawyer and a boxing referee?

A boxing referee doesn't get paid more for a longer fight.
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What do aliens on the metric system say?

Take me to your liter.
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