What do you call a smiling, courteous person at a bar association convention?

The caterer.
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What happened to the man who was stopped for having sodium chloride and a nine-volt in his car?

He was booked for a salt and battery.
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Where do soldiers keep their armies?

In their Sleevies!
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What kind of driver has no arms or legs?

A screwdriver.
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When does New Year's Day come before Christmas Day?

Every year!
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How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?

Their lips are moving.
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What do planets like to read?

Comet books!
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Whenever I get to Edinburgh, I'm reminded of the definition of a gentleman.

It's someone who knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.
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Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella?

Fo Drizzle!

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Why did the cow cross the road?

To get to the udder side.
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