What do you call a snarky criminal going down the stairs?

[A Condesending con descending]
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Why did the gardener plant his money?

He wanted his soil to be rich!
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How many Italians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

I dunno exactly, but my brother's girlfriend's father's boss's secretary's sister's next-door neighbors' priest's cousin's union shop steward's uncle's Knights Of Columbus club Sergeant-of-Arms's nephew's best friend did it real cheap for me once.
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Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants?

Just in case he got a hole in one!
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How many football players does it take to change a light bulb?

The entire team! And they all get a semester's credit for it!
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What does Santa like to do in the garden?

Hoe, hoe, hoe!
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What kind of dog always runs a fever?

A hot dog
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Why are pirates great singers?

They can hit the high C's!

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What's round and bad-tempered?

A vicious circle.
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I don’t play soccer because I enjoy the sport.

I’m just doing it for kicks.
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