What do you call a snarky criminal going down the stairs?

[A Condesending con descending]
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How many record producers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two… one to tell the engineer to do it, the other to say "I don't know, what do you think?"

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What is a vampire's favorite fruit?

A nectarine!
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What do you use to tie saplings to a piano so the saplings won't blow away?

Root position cords.

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What is King Arthur's favorite fish?

A swordfish
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Why does Donald Trump prefer E.T. to illegal immigrants?

Because E.T. eventually went home!
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I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date

but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.

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What did the policeman say when his tummy was rumbling?

Stop! You're under a vest.
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What do you call a mad elephant?

An earthquake.
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Why are babies good at soccer?

Because they dribble!
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