What do you call a snowman in the desert?

A puddle!
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How many college girls does it take to change a light bulb?

That's "women," you unfunny jerk!
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What did Donald Trump do before criticizing illegals?

He made sure his pools were clean and his lawns were mowed.
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A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

The blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"
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What's the best parting gift?

A comb.
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Why did the turtle cross the road?

To get to the shell station.
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How many bass clarinetists does it take to change a light bulb?

All of them
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What do you do with a dead chemist?

Barium
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So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds".

I said, "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".
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Where do you put barking dogs?

In a barking lot.
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