What do you call a story about a broken pencil?

Pointless
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What's the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo?

A gigolo only screws one person at a time.
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How do you make a goldfish old?

Take away the g
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What did one egg say to the other egg?

You crack me up!
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What does the winner of the race lose?

His breath.
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What do you call a dinosaur in a car accident?

A tyrannosauraus wreck
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If minorities have the race card and women have the gender card, what do rednecks have?

The Trump Card
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What is a cheetahs favorite food?

Fast food

A team of little animals and a team of big animals decided to play football. During the first half of the game, the big animals were winning. But during the second half,a centipede scored so many touchdowns that the little animals won the game. When the game was over, the chipmunk asked the centipede, "Where were you during the first half?" He replied "Putting on my shoes".
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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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If the Silver Surfer and Iron Man team up, they'd be alloys.
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