What do you call a story about a broken pencil?

Pointless
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What's brown and looks really good on a lawyer?

A Doberman.
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Which day do fish hate?

Fryday
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What is the opposite of a restaurant?

A workaraunt.
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What do you call 25 skydiving lawyers?

Skeet.
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What element is a girl's future best friend?

Carbon.
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I'm on a whiskey diet.

I've lost three days already.

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What kind of eggs does a wicked chicken lay?

Deviled eggs.
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I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said "may contain nuts." Well, YES! That's what I bought the buggers for!

You'd be annoyed if you opened it and a socket set fell out!"

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How many Development Executives does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two. One to take notes while the other screws it into the faucet.
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