What do you call a story about a broken pencil?

Pointless
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What did the Cinderella fish wear to the ball?

Glass flippers.
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How does Donald Trump intend to spice up the Republican Convention?

By relocating it to a casino!
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I'm on a whiskey diet.

I've lost three days already.

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When is a car not a car?

When it turns into a garage.
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What does Donald Trump say when he can't find his Viagra?

"The erection is rigged!"
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What do a baker and a millionaire have in common?

They are both rolling in the dough!
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What do you call a baby bear with no teeth?

A gummy bear
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A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

The blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"
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