What do you call a story about a broken pencil?

Pointless
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How does Donald Trump plan on deporting 12 million illegal immigrants?

Juan by Juan.
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I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date

but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.

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What kind of mouse does not eat, drink, or even walk?

A computer mouse.
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How many fundamentalists does it take to change a light bulb?

None; the Bible doesn't mention any light bulbs.
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How many stock brokers does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to take out the bulb and drop it, and the other to try and sell it before it crashes (knowing that it's already burned out).
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What is the opposite of a restaurant?

A workaraunt.
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What do you call a girl with a frog on her head?

Lilly.
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"I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He said, "How flexible are you?"

I said, "I can't make Tuesdays"

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Why does hamburger yield lower energy than steak?

Because it's in the ground state.
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