what do you call a tick on the moon?

A luna-tick
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Earlier this year I saw The Theory of Everything – loved it.

Should've been called Look Who's Hawking, that's my only criticism.
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What did one titration say to the other?

"Let's meet at the endpoint."
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What type of cars do elves drive?

Toy-otas.
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What cheese do you use to coax a bear out of the woods with?

Camembert.
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So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants,

it was Wedgie Kray.

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What do you give a sick bird?

Tweetment.
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Why did the TV cross the road?

Because it wanted to be a flat screen.
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How does the ocean say hello?

It waves.
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Why did the thief take a shower?

He wanted to make a clean getaway!
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