What do you call a young army?

Infantry.
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Why did the opera singer go sailing?

Because she wanted to hit the high C's.
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What did the rug say to the floor?

Don't move, I've got you covered.
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What's the definition of a minor second?

Two flutes playing in unison.

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How many shaggy dogs does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Fewer than it takes to screw in a heavy bulb.
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Why does Donald Trump prefer E.T. to illegal immigrants?

Because E.T. eventually went home!
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Why is Donald Trump always seen with Melania?

Because all his other wives support Hillary.
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What is the best thing to do if you find a gorilla in your bed?

Sleep somewhere else.
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What did one cow say to the other?

Mooooooove over
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Why do they bury lawyers under 20 feet of dirt?

Because deep down, they're really good people.
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