What do you call an exploding monkey?

A baboom
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What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?

The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles.
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How did the chemist survive the famine?

By subsisting on titrations.
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How many lesbians does it take to change a light bulb?

Three: One to screw it in, and two to talk about how much better it is than with a man.
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What did the dog say to the flea?

Stop bugging me
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How many U.S marines does it take to screw in a light bulb?

50. One to screw in the light bulb and the remaining 49 to guard him .
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Why did the lamb cross the road?

To get to the baaaaarber shop
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How many existentialists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two: One to screw it in and one to observe how the light bulb itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a maudlin cosmos of nothingness.
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How are elephants and trees alike?

They both have trunks
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