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What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
Nacho cheese.
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I bought some shoes off of a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with
but I've been trippin' all day.
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I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day.
Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.
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What do you call a thieving alligator?
A crookodile
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What day of the week tastes the best?
Sunday!
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I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode.
I said, "Are you two an item?"
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Why did the doughnut shop close?
The owner got tired of the (w)hole business!
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Where do fortune tellers dance?
At the crystal ball.
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I'm on a whiskey diet.
I've lost three days already.
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Why would an elephant paint its toenails different colors?
To hide in a bag of M&M's.
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