What do you call cheese that isn't yours?

Nacho cheese.
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I bought some shoes off of a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with

but I've been trippin' all day.
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I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day.

Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.

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What do you call a thieving alligator?

A crookodile

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What day of the week tastes the best?

Sunday!
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I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode.

I said, "Are you two an item?"

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Why did the doughnut shop close?

The owner got tired of the (w)hole business!
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Where do fortune tellers dance?

At the crystal ball.

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I'm on a whiskey diet.

I've lost three days already.

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Why would an elephant paint its toenails different colors?

To hide in a bag of M&M's.

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