What do you call cheese that isn't yours?

Nacho cheese.
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What do you call a song sung in an automobile?

A cartoon.
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What did the alien say to the garden?

Take me to your weeder!
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Ah, I had a great boomerang joke...

It'll come back to me.
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How many sound engineers does it take to change a light bulb

None, sound engineers don't do lights
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Why do ghosts make good cheerleaders?

Because they have a lot of spirit.
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What did the teddy bear say when it was offered dessert?

No thank you, I'm stuffed.
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What is the definition of a "crying shame"?

There was an empty seat.
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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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Whenever I get to Edinburgh, I'm reminded of the definition of a gentleman.

It's someone who knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.
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