What do you call cheese that isn't yours?

Nacho cheese.
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"Mommy, everyone says I look like a werewolf."

"Please be quiet and comb your face."
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How many supporters of George W. Bush does it take to change a light bulb?

None. First, denounce the nearest Democrats as liberal pantywaists who deliberately caused the bulb to blow. Second, announce that the Bush administration has proved that the science of electricity is faulty, so no action ever needs to be taken on global light change. Third, keep the need for a new light bulb strictly secret. Fourth, use the money for new light bulbs as an excuse for another tax cut for Bush's wealthy friends. Fifth, explain that you would never "disassemble" about the need for light, you are way too busy spreading freedom and democracy in the Middle East by eliminating freedom and democracy in the United States.
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How do you get a cello player to play in tune?

Tell him the key signature has 8 sharps.

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What is the most important subject a witch learns in school?

Spelling.
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There were five people under one umbrella. Why didn't they get wet?

It wasn't raining!
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I bought some shoes off of a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with

but I've been trippin' all day.
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"My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance.

We'll see about that."

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How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?

The fish.
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How many music teachers does it take to screw in a light bulb??

None. music teachers can't afford lightbulbs.
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