What do you call lending money to a bison?

A buff-a-loan

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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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Jesus fed 5000 people with two fishes and a loaf of bread.

That's not a miracle. That's tapas.
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Now that Macy's has severed ties, with Donald Trump, how can the average American look like the President?

By hunting and killing their own hair piece.
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How many folk singers does it take to change a light bulb?

Two — one to change the bulb, and one to write a song about how good the old light bulb was.

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How many Macintosh users does it take to change a light bulb?

None. You have to replace the whole motherboard.

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Why do ghosts make good cheerleaders?

Because they have a lot of spirit.
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How many record producers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two… one to tell the engineer to do it, the other to say "I don't know, what do you think?"

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How can you tell is a singer is at your door?

They can't find the key, and they never know when to come in.
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