What do you call the best butter on the farm?

A goat.
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How many hardware engineers does it take to change a light bulb?

None. Any changes will have to be implemented in software.
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How does a dog stop a video?

He presses the paws button.
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When one physicist asks another, "What's new?" what's the typical response?

C over lambda.
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How do you get a dog to stop digging in the garden?

Take away his shovel
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What day of the week tastes the best?

Sunday!
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What is the difference between a locomotive engineer and a teacher?

One minds the train, one trains the mind.
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My first girlfriend was a tennis player but she broke my heart.

It was like love meant nothing to her.
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Someone threw a bottle of omega 3 pills at me

Luckily my injuries were only super fish oil
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