What do you call the king of vegetables?

Elvis Parsley.
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What goes on and on and has an i in the middle?

An onion
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What 7 letters did Lizzy say when she opened the refrigerator and found it empty?

O I C U R M T
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What did the dog say to the flea?

Stop bugging me
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The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow.

I rang her up, I said "Did you get my drift?".
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What do you get when you drop a piano on an army base?

A Flat Major

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What's the difference between a fish and a piano?

You can't tuna fish.
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How many conservatives does it take to change a light bulb?

One; after reflecting in the twilight on the merit of the previous bulb.
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Clowns divorce:

custardy battle.
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Where do ghosts buy their food?

At the ghost-ery store!
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