What do you call two ants that run away to get married?

Ant-elopes!
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What do you call a clown who's in jail?

A silicon.
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What did the banana do when the monkey chased it?

The banana split
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Earlier this year I saw The Theory of Everything – loved it.

Should've been called Look Who's Hawking, that's my only criticism.
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If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why don't you swerve to hit him?

It might be your bicycle.
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How many Stuntmen does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Five. One to screw it in and four to tell him how bitchin' he looked doing it.
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Who can hold up a bus with one hand?

A crossing guard.
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Knock, knock
Who's there?
Merry.
Merry who?

Merry Christmas!
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How many Roman Catholics does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two. One to do the screwing, and one to hear the confession.
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