What do you call two ants that run away to get married?

Ant-elopes!
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Why does hamburger yield lower energy than steak?

Because it's in the ground state.
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Do you know how many musicians it takes to change a light bulb?

No, but hum a few bars and I'll fake it.
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How did Noah see the animals in the Ark at night?

With flood lighting.
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A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off.

"because," he said "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
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Went to the corner shop -

bought 4 corners.

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What do you give a pig with a rash?

Oinkment.
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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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What do you call a king who is only 12 inches tall?

A ruler.
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