What do you do if your cat swallows your pencil?

Use a pen.
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What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground beef.
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How do you stop an elephant from charging?

Take away his credit card
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What did Cinderella say to the photographer?

Some day my prints will come.
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What element is derived from a Norse god?

Thorium.
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A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off.

"because," he said "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
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How many engineers does it take to change a light bulb?

First they have to agree on which is better; the analog bulb or a digital bulb.
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What do you use to tie saplings to a piano so the saplings won't blow away?

Root position cords.

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A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!" The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!"

The man says: "You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you."
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