What do you do if your cat swallows your pencil?

Use a pen.
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What do you call the best butter on the farm?

A goat.
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A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off.

"because," he said "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
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What do you call a girl with a frog on her head?

Lilly.
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Why did the dog cross the road twice?

He was trying to fetch a boomerang
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What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should?

Stick his bill up his ass.
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Jesus fed 5000 people with two fishes and a loaf of bread.

That's not a miracle. That's tapas.
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What's the difference between a lawyer and a liar?

The pronunciation.
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Why did God invent lawyers?

So that real estate agents would have someone to look down on.
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