What do you do if your cat swallows your pencil?

Use a pen.
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What kind of dog has a bark but no bite?

A Dogwood
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Interesting story, the guy who helped me learn algebra never farted around anyone.

I mean he did say he was a private tutor.
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What do you call a smiling, sober, courteous person at a bar association convention?

The caterer.
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What element is a girl's future best friend?

Carbon.
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How many music teachers does it take to screw in a light bulb??

None. music teachers can't afford lightbulbs.
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What do you call a pig who knows karate?

Porkchop
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How many Roman Catholics does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two. One to do the screwing, and one to hear the confession.
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Slept like a log last night........

Woke up in the fireplace.

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