What do you do if your cat swallows your pencil?

Use a pen.
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What does the winner of the race lose?

His breath.
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How many editors of Poor Richard's Almanac does it take to replace a light bulb?

Many hands make light work.
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Why did the cow go in the spaceship?

It wanted to see the mooooooon!
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Why did the boy have his girlfriend put in jail?

She stole his heart.
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What's the difference between a lawyer and God?

God doesn't think he's a lawyer.
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Why was the mouse afraid of the water?

Catfish
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What goes around a haunted house and never stops?

A fence.
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How do you get a cello player to play in tune?

Tell him the key signature has 8 sharps.

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