What do you do if your cat swallows your pencil?

Use a pen.
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What did Donald Trump do before criticizing illegals?

He made sure his pools were clean and his lawns were mowed.
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Why can't lawyers do NMR?

Bar magnets have poor homogeneity.
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How many plastic surgeons does it take to change a light bulb?

Just one, but he'll also want to do something about your nose.
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How many IBM engineers does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They just let Marketing explain that "Dead Bulb" is a feature.
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What do you get if you cross a cat with a dark horse?

Kitty Perry

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What did the carrot say to the rabbit?

Do you want to grab a bite?
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Why did the pianist keep banging his head against the keys?

He was playing by ear

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What do you call a wheel made of iron?

A ferrous wheel.
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