What do you do if your cat swallows your pencil?

Use a pen.
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Why was the woman fired from the car assembly line?

She was caught taking a brake.
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How many militarists does it take to change a light bulb?

1,000,001: One to change the bulb and 1,000,000 to rebuild civilization to the point where they need light bulbs again.
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How many fire safety guys dose it take to screw in a light bulb?

One -- but it's an 8 hour minimum.
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What do a viola and a lawsuit have in common?

Everyone is happy when the case is closed

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What do whales eat?

Fish and ships.
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What do you call a dog with a Rolex?

A watch dog.
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How many TV comedians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two, one to screw it in, and another to say "Sock it to Me." (Notes: Sock it = Socket. Also, for the infant readers among you, this was a popular catch-phrase from "Laugh In.")
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What do you call a Disney Princess that supports Donald Trump?

Snow White Supremacist.
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