What do you do if your cat swallows your pencil?

Use a pen.
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How do you make an egg laugh?

Tell it a yolk.
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Where do fortune tellers dance?

At the crystal ball.
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Did you hear about Michael Jackson's latest record?

"Feel the World."
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What did the mother broom say to the baby broom?

It's time to go to sweep.
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A proton and a neutron are walking down the street.
The proton says, "Wait, I dropped an electron help me look for it."

The neutron says "Are you sure?" The proton replies "I'm positive."
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How many tenors does it take to change a light bulb?

Four. One to change the bulb and three to whine "It's too high"
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What do Santa's elves drive?

Minivans.
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A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

The blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"
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