What do you do if your cat swallows your pencil?

Use a pen.
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Have you heard the one about a chemist who was reading a book about helium?

He just couldn't put it down.
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What do you call a smiling, courteous person at a bar association convention?

The caterer.
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When one physicist asks another, "What's new?" what's the typical response?

C over lambda.
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How do you catch a squirrel?

Climb up a tree and act like a nut
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Why did the banana split?

It saw the ginger snap.
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Why did the bird get a ticket?

It broke the law of gravity!
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What does an octopus wear when it gets cold?

A coat of arms.
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I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase.

I can hardly contain myself.

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