What do you do if your cat swallows your pencil?

Use a pen.
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How many [ethnic] gods does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two. One to hold the bulb and the other to rotate the planet.
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What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should?

Stick his bill up his ass.
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What do lawyers and sperm have in common?

One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.
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I tried nutella on some salmon

got salmonella.
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Why was the cat afraid of a tree?

Because of the bark
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Why can't Donald Trump be a Lannister?

Because he never pays his debts.
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What does Donald Trump say when he can't find his Viagra?

"The erection is rigged!"
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What do you call an elephant in a phone booth?

Stuck
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