What do you do if your cat swallows your pencil?

Use a pen.
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When one physicist asks another, "What's new?" what's the typical response?

C over lambda.
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Jesus fed 5000 people with two fishes and a loaf of bread.

That's not a miracle. That's tapas.
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Where did the farmer take the pigs on Saturday afternoon?

He took them to a pignic.
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Sherlock, what are you doing with that 200lbs shrub?

It's not a shrub, it's a lemon tree my dear Watson.
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El Chapo has offered $100 million dollars for Trumps body, dead or alive.

I guess that finally answers the question about how much Donald Trump is actually worth.
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What do you call a Mexican who has lost his car?

Carlos.
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What do you call a calf after it's six months old?

Seven months old.
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What do you call a slow skier?

A slopepoke!
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