What do you do if your dog chews a dictionary?

Take the words out of his mouth
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I thought about going on an all-almond diet.

But that's just nuts
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How many "pro-lifers" does it take to change a light bulb?

Six: two to screw in the bulb and four to testify that it was lit from the moment they began screwing.
None; the bulb will change itself when it is ready.
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"I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He said, "How flexible are you?"

I said, "I can't make Tuesdays"

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Why should we call the President, Donald "Duck" Trump?

Because you better duck when he's pissed.
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How many Roman Catholics does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two, one to screw it in, and another to repent.

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Why did the boy put candy under his pillow?

Because he wanted sweet dreams.
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How do you get a cello player to play in tune?

Tell him the key signature has 8 sharps.

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