What do you do if your dog chews a dictionary?

Take the words out of his mouth
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What do you call a man with a rubber toe?

Roberto.
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H2O is water and H2O2 is hydrogen peroxide. What is H2O4?

Drinking.
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What does a witch use to keep her hair up?

Scarespray!
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They stopped a vulture from bringing his rotting carcasses on the plane

but he said "You said I could have two carry on items!"
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What does Melania see in Donald Trump?

"Ten billion dollars and high cholesterol!"
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How many tenors does it take to change a light bulb?

Four. One to change the bulb and three to whine "It's too high"
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What do fish take to stay healthy?

Vitamin sea.
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