What do you do if your dog chews a dictionary?

Take the words out of his mouth
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They stopped a vulture from bringing his rotting carcasses on the plane

but he said "You said I could have two carry on items!"
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Why does a stork stand on one leg?

Because it would fall over if it lifted the other one.
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What's round and bad-tempered?

A vicious circle.
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Where does Friday come before Monday?

In the dictionary.
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A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

The blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"
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A neutron walks into a bar. He asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?"

The bartender offers him a warm smile and says, "For you, no charge".
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What's the only difference between Donald Trump and Bozo the Clown?

Bozo The Clown has real hair on his head.
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