What do you do if your dog chews a dictionary?

Take the words out of his mouth
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What did one ion say to the other?

I've got my ion you.
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How do you know Donald Trump is talking to you?

Cause your the only one Hair.
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A jump-lead walks into a bar.

The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything"
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Why did the skeleton cross the road?

To get to the body shop.
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How many stock brokers does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to take out the bulb and drop it, and the other to try and sell it before it crashes (knowing that it's already burned out).
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What do you call lending money to a bison?

A buff-a-loan
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What is the opposite of a restaurant?

A workaraunt.
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