What do you do if your dog chews a dictionary?

Take the words out of his mouth
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How is a dog like a telephone?

It has a collar I.D.
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Where did the sheep go on vacation?

The baaaahamas
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Whenever I get to Edinburgh, I'm reminded of the definition of a gentleman.

It's someone who knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.
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How many Stuntmen does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Five. One to screw it in and four to tell him how bitchin' he looked doing it.
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Kleptomaniacs just don't get puns

they always take things literally.
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Why can't you compare Donald Trump to cancer?

Because sometimes you can get rid of cancer.
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What did the class clown take a computer to school?

Her mom told her to bring in an apple for the teacher.
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