What do you do if your dog chews a dictionary?

Take the words out of his mouth

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Why did the little bird get in trouble at school?

He got caught peeping on a test.

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How many plastic surgeons does it take to change a light bulb?

Just one, but he'll also want to do something about your nose.

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The oddly pleasant feeling of looking down on a physist as they drink the last of their beer.

The strange charm of a top down bottoms up.
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What did Michael Jackson say to Woody Allen?

Got two fives for a ten?
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How many folk singers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two. One to change the bulb, and one to write a song about how good the old light bulb was.

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How many Federal employees does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Sorry, that item has been cut from the budget!

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What goes tick-tock, bow-wow, tick-tock, bow-wow?

A watch dog.

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