What do you do when your chair breaks?

Call a chairman.
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What two things can you not have for breakfast?

Lunch and dinner.
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How many Marxists does it take to change a light bulb?

None. The light bulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.
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What is on the ground and also a hundred feet in the air?

A centipede on its back!
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What kind of jam can you not eat?

A traffic jam.
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How many actors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

100: One to do it and ninety-nine to say "I could've done that."
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I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date

but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.

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What is Claustrophobia?

The fear of Santa Claus.
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Whenever I get to Edinburgh, I'm reminded of the definition of a gentleman.

It's someone who knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.
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