What do you do when your chair breaks?

Call a chairman.
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I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said "may contain nuts." Well, YES! That's what I bought the buggers for!

You'd be annoyed if you opened it and a socket set fell out!"

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What's the difference between a tick and a lawyer?

The tick falls off when you are dead.
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How many law professors does it take to change a light bulb?

Hell, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.
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What do whales eat?

Fish and ships.
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Where do all the letters sleep?

In the alphabed.
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Why does hamburger yield lower energy than steak?

Because it's in the ground state.
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I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags,

he's bisatchel.

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How do you stop an elephant from charging?

Take away his credit card
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