What do you do when your chair breaks?

Call a chairman.
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What do you call a deer with no eyes?

No I deer
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What's a royal pardon?

It's what the queen says after she burps.
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Why did the cow go in the spaceship?

It wanted to see the mooooooon!
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How does an attorney sleep?

First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.
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What kind of motorcycle does Santa ride?

Holly Davidson.
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So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds".

I said, "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".
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How many cats does it takes to screw in a light bulb?

You can throw away your light bulbs. Just douse the cat with gasoline, light it up with a match, and you'll have all the light you need. (Comment: BLEAH!)
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Which runs faster, hot or cold water?

Hot, because you can catch cold.
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