What do you do when your chair breaks?

Call a chairman.
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How many New Yorkers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None 'o yo' fuckin' business!
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How many nuclear engineers does it take to change a light bulb?

Seven. One to install the new bulb and six to figure out what to do with the old one for the next 10,000 years.
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How many Stuntmen does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Five. One to screw it in and four to tell him how bitchin' he looked doing it.
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What did the ceiling say to the chandelier?

You're the only bright spot in my life.
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What's the best parting gift?

A comb.
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What is the difference between a clarinet and an onion?

Nobody cries when you chop an clarinet into little pieces

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What did one cow say to the other?

Mooooooove over
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How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?

Their lips are moving.
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