What do you do when your chair breaks?

Call a chairman.
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The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper.

She was wearing massive gloves.
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What is the difference between a clarinet and an onion?

Nobody cries when you chop an clarinet into little pieces

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How many TV comedians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two, one to screw it in, and another to say "Sock it to Me." (Notes: Sock it = Socket. Also, for the infant readers among you, this was a popular catch-phrase from "Laugh In.")
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Why did the turtle cross the road?

To get to the shell station.
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What's the difference between a fish and a piano?

You can't tuna fish.
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How many editors of Poor Richard's Almanac does it take to replace a light bulb?

Many hands make light work.
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What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground beef.
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I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah;

I thought, "He's trying to pull a fast one".

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