What do you do with a dead chemist?

Barium
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Why did the chemist sole and heel his shoes with silicone rubber?

To reduce his carbon footprint.
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How can a pregnant woman tell that she's carrying a future lawyer?

She has an uncontrollable craving for bologna.
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Jesus fed 5000 people with two fishes and a loaf of bread.

That's not a miracle. That's tapas.
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Where did the sheep go on vacation?

The baaaahamas
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What do you get when you drop a piano on an army base?

A Flat Major

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What kind of cat should you never play games with?

A cheetah
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I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode.

I said, "Are you two an item?"

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I went down the local supermarket, I said, "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it",

he said, "Those are pickled onions".

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