What do you get from a bad-tempered shark?

As far away as possible.
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I'm on a whiskey diet.

I've lost three days already.

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How many IBM PC owners does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one, but she/he'll have to go out and buy the light bulb adaptor card first, which is extra.
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What do you call a fat pumpkin?

A plumpkin.
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How many Roman Catholics does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two, one to screw it in, and another to repent.

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Have you heard the one about a chemist who was reading a book about helium?

He just couldn't put it down.
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Have you heard the joke about the butter?

I better not tell you, it might spread.
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What do you call a Mexican who has lost his car?

Carlos.
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I don’t play soccer because I enjoy the sport.

I’m just doing it for kicks.
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