What do you get if Bach dies and is reincarnated as twins?

A pair of Re-Bachs.

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How many "pro-lifers" does it take to change a light bulb?

Six: two to screw in the bulb and four to testify that it was lit from the moment they began screwing.
None; the bulb will change itself when it is ready.
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I wouldn't buy anything with velcro.

It's a total rip-off.
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How many stock brokers does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to take out the bulb and drop it, and the other to try and sell it before it crashes (knowing that it's already burned out).
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What did polly the parrot want for the 4th of July?

A fire cracker
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What is the difference between a lawyer and a rooster?

When a rooster wakes up in the morning, its primal urge is to cluck defiance.
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How many folk musicians does it take to change a light bulb?

Seven. One to change it and the other six to sing about how good the old one was.
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How is a dog like a telephone?

It has a collar I.D.
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Someone threw a bottle of omega 3 pills at me

Luckily my injuries were only super fish oil
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