What do you get if Bach dies and is reincarnated as twins?

A pair of Re-Bachs.

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What happens when you play "the blues" backwards?

Your wife comes back to you, your dog returns to life and you get out of prison.

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How many Southern Baptists does it take to change a light bulb?

One hundred and nine. Seven on the Lightbulb Task Force Sub-committee, who report to the 12 on the Lightbulb Task Force, appointed by the 15 on the Trustee Board. Their recommendation is reviewed by the Finance Executive Committee of five, who place it on the agenda of the 18-member Finance Committee. If they approve, they bring a motion to the 27-member Church Board, who appoint another 12-member review committee. If they recommend that the Church Board proceed, a resolution is brought to the Congregational Business Meeting. They appoint another eight-member review committee. If their report to the next Congregational Business Meeting supports the changing of a lightbulb, and the Congregation votes in favor, the responsibility to carry out the lightbulb change is passed on to the Trustee Board, who in turn appoint a seven-member committee to find the best price in new lightbulbs. Their recommendation of which hardware is the best buy must then be reviewed by the 23-member Ethics Committee to make certain that this hardware store has no connection to the Disney corporation. They report back to the Trustee Board who then commissions the Trustee in charge of the Janitor to ask him to make the change. By then the janitor discovers that one more light bulb has burned out.
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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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Why do you bring fish to a party?

Because it goes good with chips.
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I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'Have you got anything for wind?'

So he gave me a kite.

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I don’t play soccer because I enjoy the sport.

I’m just doing it for kicks.
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Why did the dinosaur cross the road?

The chicken wasn't around yet.
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What is Claustrophobia?

The fear of Santa Claus.
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