What do you get if you cross an elephant and a kangaroo?

Big holes all over Australia!
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I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date

but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.

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What does a cat say when somebody steps on
its tail?

Me-ow
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Earlier this year I saw The Theory of Everything – loved it.

Should've been called Look Who's Hawking, that's my only criticism.
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When do you go on red and stop on green?

When you are eating a watermelon.
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I know loads of jokes about cash machines,

I just can't think of one atm.
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Why does a dog wag its tail?

Because there's no one else to wag it for him.
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What's the difference between a piano and a tuna?

You can tuna piano, but you can't piano a tuna

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How do you get a cello player to play in tune?

Tell him the key signature has 8 sharps.

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