What do you get if you cross an elephant and a kangaroo?

Big holes all over Australia!
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What did the snail say when he got on the turtle's shell?

Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
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Where does a polarbear keep its money?

In a snow bank!
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What's the difference between Donald Trump and Ronald Reagan?

If Trump gets Alzheimers his IQ will go up.
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How many dull people does it take to change a light bulb?

One.
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What's the difference between a lawyer and a leech?

After you die, a leech stops sucking your blood.
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What kind of phones do people in jail use?

Cell phones
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How many existentialists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two: One to screw it in and one to observe how the light bulb itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a maudlin cosmos of nothingness.
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"I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He said, "How flexible are you?"

I said, "I can't make Tuesdays"

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