What do you get when you cross a Christmas tree with an apple?

A pineapple!
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What did the teddy bear say when it was offered dessert?

No thank you, I'm stuffed.
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What did the calculator say to the math student?

You can count on me!
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What do you call a pig that's been arrested for dangerous driving?

A road hog.
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How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?

Three, but they're really only one.
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What goes around a haunted house and never stops?

A fence.
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What do you do if your cat swallows your pencil?

Use a pen.
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Why did the chicken cross the road, roll in mud, then cross the road again?

He was a dirty double crosser!
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What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of manure?

The bucket.
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