What do you get when you cross a Christmas tree with an apple?

A pineapple!
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Why should you never tell a secret in a corn field?

Because there are too many ears.
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What did the clock do after it ate?

It went back four seconds!
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Whenever I get to Edinburgh, I'm reminded of the definition of a gentleman.

It's someone who knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.
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They're always telling me to live my dreams.

But I don't want to be naked in an exam I haven't revised for.
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How many sopranos does it take to change a light bulb?

Three. One to climb the ladder while the second kicks the ladder out from under her. And the third to say, "I knew that was too high for you dear."
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Where do you get whales weighed?

At the Whale-weigh station.
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What is the difference between a clarinet and an onion?

Nobody cries when you chop an clarinet into little pieces

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Why did the doughnut shop close?

The owner got tired of the (w)hole business!
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