What do you get when you cross a Christmas tree with an apple?

A pineapple!
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A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!" The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!"

The man says: "You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you."
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How do you wake up Lady Gaga?

You Poke her face.

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What did polly the parrot want for the 4th of July?

A fire cracker
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When is it bad luck to be followed by a black cat?

When you're a mouse.
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What is black ,white and red all over?

A sunburnt penguin
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Red sky at night: shepherd’s delight.

Blue sky at night: day.
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If you don't know what introspection is,

you need to take a long, hard look at yourself.
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What do cats and dogs call Santa Clause?

Santa paws!!!
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