What do you get when you cross a Christmas tree with an apple?

A pineapple!
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How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?

Their lips are moving.
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What did the baby corn ask the mother corn?

Where is pop corn?
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What did the Mass Spectrometer say to the Gas Chromatograph?

Breaking up is hard to do.
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A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!" The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!"

The man says: "You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you."
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"I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it,

it was a shitzu."
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How are an apple and a lawyer alike?

They both look good hanging from a tree.
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What kind of fly has a frog in its throat?

A hoarse fly!
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How many Anglicans does it take to change a lightbulb?

A whole synod. One to move that the bulb be changed while the others debate until the room spins.
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