What do you get when you cross a Christmas tree with an apple?

A pineapple!
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How do you catch a squirrel?

Climb up a tree and act like a nut
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How do you fix a broken brass instrument?

With a Tuba glue.

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What pine has the longest needles?

A porcupine.
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Where do orcas hear music?

Orca-stras
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What did the peanut say to the elephant?

Nothing, peanuts don't talk.
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How many Marxists does it take to change a light bulb?

None. The light bulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.
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I went to the Doctors the other day, and he said, 'Go to Bournemouth, it's great for flu'.

So I went - and I got it.
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What's the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo?

A gigolo only screws one person at a time.
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