What do you get when you cross a Christmas tree with an apple?

A pineapple!
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What do Santa's elves drive?

Minivans.
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Why do chemists like nitrates so much?

They're cheaper than day rates.
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How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?

Cut the rope.
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What goes 99 thump,99 thump,99 thump?

A centipede with a wooden leg.
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What`s black & white & red all over?

An embarrased mime!
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I'm sorry we can't let the elephants back into the public pool.

They keep dropping their trunks.
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How does Donald Trump plan on deporting 12 million illegal immigrants?

Juan by Juan.
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What do sea monsters eat for lunch?

Fish and ships.
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