What do you get when you cross a Christmas tree with an apple?

A pineapple!
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What kind of cats like to go bowling?

Alley cats.
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I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day.

Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.

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What does a cat call a hummingbird?

Fast food.
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What is the strongest animal?

A snail because it carries it's home.
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How many musicians does it take to change a light bulb?

Twenty. One to hold the bulb, two to turn the ladder, and 17 to be on the guest list.
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When does New Year's Day come before Christmas Day?

Every year!
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I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode.

I said, "Are you two an item?"

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How many TV comedians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two, one to screw it in, and another to say "Sock it to Me." (Notes: Sock it = Socket. Also, for the infant readers among you, this was a popular catch-phrase from "Laugh In.")
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