What do you get when you cross a Christmas tree with an apple?

A pineapple!
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Why don't they know where Mozart is buried?

Because he's Haydn.

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Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?

On the bottom.
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Why did Venus have to get an air conditioner?

Because Mercury moved in.
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Why did the cow cross the road?

To get to the udder side.
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What do you call a beautiful woman on a trombonist's arm?

A tattoo.

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What did the dog say to the flea?

Stop bugging me
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How can a pregnant woman tell that she's carrying a future lawyer?

She has an uncontrollable craving for bologna.
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So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants,

it was Wedgie Kray.

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