What do you get when you cross a Christmas tree with an apple?

A pineapple!
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What 7 letters did Lizzy say when she opened the refrigerator and found it empty?

O I C U R M T
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Now that Macy's has severed ties, with Donald Trump, how can the average American look like the President?

By hunting and killing their own hair piece.
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What do Michael Jackson and x-boxs have in common?

They're both plastic and little boys turn them on.
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How many running-dog lackeys of the bourgeoisie does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to exploit the proletariat, and one to control the means of production!
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How many frat guys does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Three: One to screw it in, and the other two to help him down off the keg.
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How does a penguin build it's house?

Igloos it together.
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My pastor, he ate too many beans.

He had in his own pews.
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What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should?

Stick his bill up his ass.
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