What do you get when you cross a Christmas tree with an apple?

A pineapple!
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I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode.

I said, "Are you two an item?"

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How many Wardrobe people does it take to screw in a light bulb?

"Nobody said I needed doubles on that!"
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Some lettuce, an egg, and a faucet had a race. What was the result?

The lettuce came in ahead, the egg got beat and the faucet is still running.
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How many actors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

100: One to do it and ninety-nine to say "I could've done that."
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What do you throw to a drowning lawyer?

His partners.
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A duck, a skunk and a deer went out for dinner at a restaurant one night.

When it came time to pay, the skunk didn't have a scent, the deer didn't have a buck so they put the meal on the duck's bill.
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How many skunks does it take to make a big stink?

A phew.
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What does GOP stand for?

Grabs Our Pussy.
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