What do you get when you cross a duck with a vampire?

Count Quackula!
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What did Donald Trump do before criticizing illegals?

He made sure his pools were clean and his lawns were mowed.
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Why shouldn't Donald Trump rag on illegal immigrants?

Because an undocumented worker has been living on his head for the past 2 decades!
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Knock, knock
Who's there?
Merry.
Merry who?

Merry Christmas!
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Why couldn't the pirates play cards?

They were sitting on the deck!
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The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper.

She was wearing massive gloves.
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Earlier this year I saw The Theory of Everything – loved it.

Should've been called Look Who's Hawking, that's my only criticism.
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What's a puppy's favorite kind of pizza?

Pupperoni.
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