What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?

Frostbite.
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What kind of dogs do chemists have?

Laboratory Retrievers
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What do a viola and a lawsuit have in common?

Everyone is happy when the case is closed

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Where do cows go on Saturday night?

To the mooooooovies.
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Whenever I get to Edinburgh, I'm reminded of the definition of a gentleman.

It's someone who knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.
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How many New Yorkers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None 'o yo' fuckin' business!
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What do you call a bankrupt Santa?

Saint Nickel-less.
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What do ghosts use to wash their hair?

Shamboo!
Frankenstein: Witch can you make me a lemonade?
Witch: Poof you are a lemonade!
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What do postal workers do when they're mad?

They stamp their feet.
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