What do you get when you cross a witch with sand?

A sandwich!
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What did the candle say to the other candle?

I'm going out tonight!
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Why do you think Civil Disobedience was such a fantastic essay?

Thoreau editing Thorough.
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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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Knock, knock
Who's there?
Merry.
Merry who?

Merry Christmas!
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I don’t play soccer because I enjoy the sport.

I’m just doing it for kicks.
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What did the alien say when he was out of room?

I'm all spaced out!
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What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 100?
Your Honor.
What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50

Senator.
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How many Trumpet players does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one. But he'll leave a big puddle of spit on the floor underneath him.
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