What do you get when you cross poison ivy with a 4-leaf clover?

A rash of good luck.

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Why are Muslims worried about Trumps immigration plans?

Once you deport Juan you deport Jamal.
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If minorities have the race card and women have the gender card, what do rednecks have?

The Trump Card
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How can you tell is a singer is at your door?

They can't find the key, and they never know when to come in.
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What fish only swims at night?

A starfish.

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What did the guitarist do when his teacher told him to turn his amplifier on?

He caressed it softly and told it that he loved it

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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags,

he's bisatchel.

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How many Jewish American Princesses does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two, one to call Daddy, and one to get the (pick one:) mineral water/Tab.

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