What do you get when you cross poison ivy with a 4-leaf clover?

A rash of good luck.
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Whenever I get to Edinburgh, I'm reminded of the definition of a gentleman.

It's someone who knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.
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I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said "may contain nuts." Well, YES! That's what I bought the buggers for!

You'd be annoyed if you opened it and a socket set fell out!"

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What did the picture say to the wall?

I've got you covered!
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What is the difference between a car and a bull?

A car only has one horn.
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How many bass clarinetists does it take to change a light bulb?

All of them
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What do you give a sick bird?

Tweetment.
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What is the most important subject a witch learns in school?

Spelling.
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How many Roman Catholics does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two, one to screw it in, and another to repent.

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