What do you get when you cross poison ivy with a 4-leaf clover?

A rash of good luck.
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What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?

One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter.
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What do you give a sick bird?

Tweetment.
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How does a dog stop a video?

He presses the paws button.
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What is a pirate's favorite's fish?

A swordfish
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How many Trumpet players does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one. But he'll leave a big puddle of spit on the floor underneath him.
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The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow.

I rang her up, I said "Did you get my drift?".
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Why did the turtle cross the road?

To get to the shell station.
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How many astronomers does it take to change a light bulb?

None. Astronomers prefer the dark.
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