What do you get when you cross poison ivy with a 4-leaf clover?

A rash of good luck.

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How many (Generals/Politicians) does it take to change a light bulb?

1,000,001: One to change the bulb and 1,000,000 to rebuild civilization to the point where they need light bulbs again.

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What do you call a baby bear with no teeth?

A gummy bear

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What kind of dessert does a ghost like?

I scream!
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What do a viola and a lawsuit have in common?

Everyone is happy when the case is closed

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What's the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?

The lawyer charges more.
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What time is it when an elephant sits on your bed?

Time to get a new bed

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What did the rug say to the floor?

Don't move, I've got you covered.

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