What do you get when you cross poison ivy with a 4-leaf clover?

A rash of good luck.
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What is the easiest way to count a herd of cattle?

With a cowculator.
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How many 2nd AD's does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Uh...standby, I'll check on that.
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How many TV comedians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two, one to screw it in, and another to say "Sock it to Me." (Notes: Sock it = Socket. Also, for the infant readers among you, this was a popular catch-phrase from "Laugh In.")
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What do you get when you drop a piano on an army base?

A Flat Major

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How do you fix a broken vegetable?

With tomato paste.
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This graveyard looks overcrowded.

People must be dying to get in there.
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What did the laywer name his daughter?

Sue.
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What did the peanut say to the walnut?

Nothing. Nuts can't talk.
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