What do you get when you cross poison ivy with a 4-leaf clover?

A rash of good luck.
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Why did the chemist sole and heel his shoes with silicone rubber?

To reduce his carbon footprint.
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Who makes the best cake on a baseball team?

The batter.
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What did the peanut say to the walnut?

Nothing. Nuts can't talk.
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What game do elephants play when riding in the back of a car?

Squash
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I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode.

I said, "Are you two an item?"

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What do you call cheese that isn't yours?

Nacho cheese.
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El Chapo has offered $100 million dollars for Trumps body, dead or alive.

I guess that finally answers the question about how much Donald Trump is actually worth.
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What goes tick-tock, bow-wow, tick-tock, bow-wow?

A watch dog.
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