What do you get when you cross poison ivy with a 4-leaf clover?

A rash of good luck.
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What do you do when your chair breaks?

Call a chairman.
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What's worse than a centipede with athlete's foot?

A porcupine with split ends
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Why did the chemist sole and heel his shoes with silicone rubber?

To reduce his carbon footprint.
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"I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it,

it was a shitzu."
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Why is a skeleton so mean?

He doesn't have a heart.
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What do Russians use for napkins?

Soviets
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How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?

The fish.
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I don’t play soccer because I enjoy the sport.

I’m just doing it for kicks.
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