What do you get when you cross poison ivy with a 4-leaf clover?

A rash of good luck.
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What kind of dog always runs a fever?

A hot dog
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A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off.

"because," he said "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
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How do you fix a broken vegetable?

With tomato paste.
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Which 2 food groups make up Donald Trumps diet?

Meat and Democrats!
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What do you call a lawyer gone bad.

Senator.
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Why did the doughnut shop close?

The owner got tired of the (w)hole business!
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A duck, a skunk and a deer went out for dinner at a restaurant one night.

When it came time to pay, the skunk didn't have a scent, the deer didn't have a buck so they put the meal on the duck's bill.
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What goes 99 thump,99 thump,99 thump?

A centipede with a wooden leg.
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