What do you get when you cross poison ivy with a 4-leaf clover?

A rash of good luck.
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Jesus fed 5000 people with two fishes and a loaf of bread.

That's not a miracle. That's tapas.
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How can a pregnant woman tell that she's carrying a future lawyer?

She has an uncontrollable craving for bologna.
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What do fish take to stay healthy?

Vitamin sea.
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I went down the local supermarket, I said, "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it",

he said, "Those are pickled onions".

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The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow.

I rang her up, I said "Did you get my drift?".
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Why did the little bird get in trouble at school?

Because he was caught tweeting on a test.
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What kind of motorcycle does Santa ride?

Holly Davidson.
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A man goes to a zoo and discovers there is only one animal and it's a dog.

It was a Shih Tzu
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