What do you get when you cross poison ivy with a 4-leaf clover?

A rash of good luck.
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What did the laywer name his daughter?

Sue.
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What clothes does a house wear?

Address.
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How much does a hipster weigh?

An instagram.
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What's worse than a centipede with athlete's foot?

A porcupine with split ends
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What do aliens on the metric system say?

Take me to your liter.
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What did the little boy's mom say when he asked her to buy him shoes for gym?

"Tell Jim to buy his own shoes".
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What's the difference between in-laws and outlaws?

Outlaws are wanted.
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What goes around a haunted house and never stops?

A fence.
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