What do you get when you cross poison ivy with a 4-leaf clover?

A rash of good luck.
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What did one owl say to the other owl?

Happy Owl-ween!
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What do you call a 400-pound gorilla?

Sir.
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A Bhuddist monk goes to a hotdog stand

and says make me one with everything.
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What do you call a pig that's been arrested for dangerous driving?

A road hog.
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I thought about going on an all-almond diet.

But that's just nuts
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How is a dog like a telephone?

It has a collar I.D.
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What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?

An offer you can't understand
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Which day do fish hate?

Fryday
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