What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?

An offer you can't understand
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How do you make Holy water?

Take regular water and just boil the hell out of it.
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How did the butcher introduce his wife?

Meet Patty.
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What goes 99 thump,99 thump,99 thump?

A centipede with a wooden leg.
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A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!" The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!"

The man says: "You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you."
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What do you call a public servant who doesn't take crap from Republicans or Democrats?

Donald Trump.
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Why are babies good at soccer?

Because they dribble!
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What did one wall say to the other?

I'll meet you at the corner.
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When does New Year's Day come before Christmas Day?

Every year!
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How do you make a rock float?

Put it in a glass with some ice cream and root beer.
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