What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?

An offer you can't understand
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Did you hear oxygen went on a date with potassium?

It went OK.
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What did one volcano say to the other?

I lava you.
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There's two fish in a tank, and one says "How do you drive this thing?"
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What did the alien say to the garden?

Take me to your weeder!
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What's the difference between Donald Trump and Ronald Reagan?

If Trump gets Alzheimers his IQ will go up.
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Why can't hippos ride bicycles?

Bike helmets don't fit hippos
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What is as big as an elephant but weighs nothing?

Its shadow
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What's the one thing that never works when it's fixed?

A jury.
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Whenever I get to Edinburgh, I'm reminded of the definition of a gentleman.

It's someone who knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.
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