What do you get when you drop a piano into a mine shaft?

A Flat Miner

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Why did the turtle cross the road?

To get to the shell station.
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What is the difference between a guitarist and a Savings Bond?

Eventually a Savings Bond will mature and earn money!

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What did the man on the beach say to Michael Jackson?

Get out of my sun!
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What lies on its back, one hundred feet in the air?

A dead centipede.
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I wouldn't buy anything with velcro.

It's a total rip-off.
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How many gods does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two. One to hold the bulb and the other to rotate the planet.
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Someone threw a bottle of omega 3 pills at me

Luckily my injuries were only super fish oil
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What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should?

Stick his bill up his ass.
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