What do you get when you drop a piano into a mine shaft?

A Flat Miner

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I'm on a whiskey diet.

I've lost three days already.

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What is a horse's favorite sport?

Stable tennis
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Where do cows go on Saturday night?

To the mooooooovies.
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How many militarists does it take to change a light bulb?

1,000,001: One to change the bulb and 1,000,000 to rebuild civilization to the point where they need light bulbs again.
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How do you cut a wave in half?

Use a sea saw.
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I backed a horse last week at ten to one.

It came in at quarter past four.

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How does Donald Trump plan on deporting 12 million illegal immigrants?

Juan by Juan.
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What goes under your feet and over your head?

A jump rope.
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