What do you get when you drop a piano into a mine shaft?

A Flat Miner

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What do you call a public servant who doesn't take crap from Republicans or Democrats?

Donald Trump.
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How many mystery writers does it take to change a light bulb?

Two — one to screw it most of the way in and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
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What is very funny and makes dogs itch?

The Flea Stooges!
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What kind of cars do cats drive?

Catillacs
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What do you get when you cross a duck with a vampire?

Count Quackula!
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I just deleted all the German names off my phone.

It's Hans free.
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What did the belly button say just before it left?

I'm outtie here!

Tom: I bet I can make you say purple.
Joe: How?
Tom: What colors are in the American flag?
Joe: Red, white and blue.
Tom: I told you I can make you say red.
Joe: You said purple!
Tom: I told you I could make you say purple!
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What has one horn and gives milk?

A milk truck.
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