What do you get when you drop a piano on an army base?

A Flat Major

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When is it bad luck to be followed by a black cat?

When you're a mouse.
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A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar.

The barman says, "Is this some kind of joke?"
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I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said "may contain nuts." Well, YES! That's what I bought the buggers for!

You'd be annoyed if you opened it and a socket set fell out!"

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How many 2nd AD's does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Uh...standby, I'll check on that.
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What do you call a fish without an eye?

Fsh
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Why do chemists enjoy working with ammonia?

Because it's pretty basic stuff.
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What does cheese say to itself in the mirror?

Halloumi.
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How many IBM engineers does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They just let Marketing explain that "Dead Bulb" is a feature.
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