What do you get when you drop a piano on an army base?

A Flat Major

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What do you call the best butter on the farm?

A goat.
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How much does a hipster weigh?

An instagram.
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Where do you go to find a million story building?

You go to the Library!
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Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?

He didn't have any guts!
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A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!" The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!"

The man says: "You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you."
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How many conservatives does it take to change a light bulb?

One; after reflecting in the twilight on the merit of the previous bulb.
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What is the snake's favorite subject?

Hiss-story
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What happens when spectroscopists are idle?

They turn from notating nuclear spins to notating unclear puns.
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