What do you get when you drop a piano on an army base?

A Flat Major

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Helium walks into a bar,
The bar tender says "We don't serve noble gasses in here."

Helium doesn't react.
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Now that Macy's has severed ties, with Donald Trump, how can the average American look like the President?

By hunting and killing their own hair piece.
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What does Donald Trump say when he can't find his Viagra?

"The erection is rigged!"
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How do you fix a broken brass instrument?

With a Tuba glue.

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What is a horse's favorite sport?

Stable tennis
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How many orgy attenders does it take to change a lightbulb?

As many as possible, and don't *ask* what they do with the old bulb.
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How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They have machines to do that now.
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Someone threw a bottle of omega 3 pills at me

Luckily my injuries were only super fish oil
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