What do you get when you drop a piano on an army base?

A Flat Major

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How many supporters of George W. Bush does it take to change a light bulb?

None. First, denounce the nearest Democrats as liberal pantywaists who deliberately caused the bulb to blow. Second, announce that the Bush administration has proved that the science of electricity is faulty, so no action ever needs to be taken on global light change. Third, keep the need for a new light bulb strictly secret. Fourth, use the money for new light bulbs as an excuse for another tax cut for Bush's wealthy friends. Fifth, explain that you would never "disassemble" about the need for light, you are way too busy spreading freedom and democracy in the Middle East by eliminating freedom and democracy in the United States.
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Why are elephants wrinkled?

Because they don't fit on a ironing board
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I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day.

Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.

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What is the opposite of a restaurant?

A workaraunt.
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Where do fish keep their money?

In a river bank
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What do you call a fairy who doesn't take a bath?

Stinker Bell.
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When one physicist asks another, "What's new?" what's the typical response?

C over lambda.
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I thought about going on an all-almond diet.

But that's just nuts
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