What do you get when you drop a piano on an army base?

A Flat Major

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How many art directors does it take to screw in a light bulb

Does it have to be a light bulb? I've got this neat candle holder...
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How many Einsteins does it take to change a light bulb?

That depends on the speed of the change and the mass of the bulb. Or vice versa, of course. It just might be easier to leave the bulb and change the room. It's all relative.
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So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds".

I said, "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".
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Why did the surfer think the sea was his friend?

Because it gave him a big wave!
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What do you call a movie about Donald Trump, Bernie Madoff, and Kenneth Lay?

The League of Extraordinary Con Men.
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Who makes dinosaur clothes?

A dino-sewer.
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What is a pirate's favorite's fish?

A swordfish
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How do locomotives hear?

Through the engineers.
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