What do you get when you drop a piano on an army base?

A Flat Major

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How do you make a goldfish old?

Take away the g
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How many archaeologists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One team, but they'll label every piece of the old one, mark its location in the room, and write a detailed description before determining that it was used to store cornmeal.
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How do you stop an elephant from charging?

Take away his credit card
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Whenever I get to Edinburgh, I'm reminded of the definition of a gentleman.

It's someone who knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.
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What do you do if your dog chews a dictionary?

Take the words out of his mouth
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What do you call a loony spaceman?

An astronut.
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What nails do carpenters hate to hit?

Fingernails.
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What do you call a girl with a frog on her head?

Lilly.
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