What do you get when you plant a frog?

A cr-oak tree.

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What did the peanut say to the elephant?

Nothing, peanuts don't talk.

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A jump-lead walks into a bar.

The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything"

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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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Why didn't the skeleton want to go to school?

His heart wasn't in it.
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What do you call a cat sitting on the beach on Christmas Eve?

Sandy Claws.
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What's green and flies as fast as a speeding bullet?

Super Pickle!

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Where do cars go for a swim?

At the carpool!
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What kind of cars do cats drive?

Catillacs

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