What do you give a lemon in distress?

Lemonade.
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What is on the ground and also a hundred feet in the air?

A centipede on its back!
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Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella?

Fo Drizzle!

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What did the alien say to the cat?

Take me to your litter.
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How many Macintosh users does it take to change a light bulb?

None. You have to replace the whole motherboard.
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Why did the people not like the restaurant on the moon?

Because there was no atmosphere.
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What kind of pants do ghosts wear?

Boo-Jeans.
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I just deleted all the German names off my phone.

It’s Hans free.
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How many nuclear engineers does it take to change a light bulb?

Seven. One to install the new bulb and six to figure out what to do with the old one for the next 10,000 years.
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Helium walks into a bar,
The bar tender says "We don't serve noble gasses in here."

Helium doesn't react.
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