What do you give a lemon in distress?

Lemonade.
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What washes up on small beaches?

Microwaves.
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What do clarinetists use for birth control?

Their personalities.

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Why did the man take a pencil to bed?

Because he wanted to draw the curtains!
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Why did the farmer wear one boot to town?

Because he heard there would be a 50% chance of snow!
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Why did the policeman give the sheep a ticket?

He made an illegal ewe turn.
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What did the guitarist do when his teacher told him to turn his amplifier on?

He caressed it softly and told it that he loved it

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So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds".

I said, "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".
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Four fonts walk into a bar

the barman says "Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here"

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I thought about going on an all-almond diet.

But that's just nuts
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