What do you give a lemon in distress?

Lemonade.
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How do crows stick together in a flock?

Velcrow.
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I thought about going on an all-almond diet.

But that's just nuts
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What do you call a cow that twitches?

Beef jerky
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What did the peanut say to the walnut?

Nothing. Nuts can't talk.
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How do you know the economy is only getting worse?

On the latest episode of "Celebrity Apprentice", Donald Trump fired himself!
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What did Donald Trump do before criticizing illegals?

He made sure his pools were clean and his lawns were mowed.
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Why was the math book sad?

It had too many problems.
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What did the class clown take a computer to school?

Her mom told her to bring in an apple for the teacher.
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How many members of the United Church of Canada does it take to change a light bulb?

How dare you be so intolerant! So what if the light bulb has chosen an alternative light-style?
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