What do you give a lemon in distress?

Lemonade.
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Jesus fed 5000 people with two fishes and a loaf of bread.

That's not a miracle. That's tapas.
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I'll call you later.

Don't call me later, call me Dad.
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How many Italians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

I dunno exactly, but my brother's girlfriend's father's boss's secretary's sister's next-door neighbors' priest's cousin's union shop steward's uncle's Knights Of Columbus club Sergeant-of-Arms's nephew's best friend did it real cheap for me once.
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Why is Donald Trump always seen with Melania?

Because all his other wives support Hillary.
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How do you get a dog to stop digging in the garden?

Take away his shovel
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What has a head but no body?

A nail.
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"My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance.

We'll see about that."

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Where does the snowman hide his money?

In the snow bank.
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A Freudian slip is when you mean to say one thing

but you accidentally say Mother.
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