What do you give a lemon in distress?

Lemonade.
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How many guitar players does it take to change a light bulb?

Five. One to change the bulb and eleven to say they could do it faster.

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Whenever I get to Edinburgh, I'm reminded of the definition of a gentleman.

It's someone who knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.
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I don’t play soccer because I enjoy the sport.

I’m just doing it for kicks.
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How many TV comedians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two, one to screw it in, and another to say "Sock it to Me." (Notes: Sock it = Socket. Also, for the infant readers among you, this was a popular catch-phrase from "Laugh In.")
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When do you go on red and stop on green?

When you are eating a watermelon.
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What is black ,white and red all over?

A sunburnt penguin
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What did the Cinderella fish wear to the ball?

Glass flippers.
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What do ghosts use to wash their hair?

Shamboo!
Frankenstein: Witch can you make me a lemonade?
Witch: Poof you are a lemonade!
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Where do ghosts buy their food?

At the ghost-ery store!
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