What do you give a pig with a rash?

Oinkment.
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What kind of shoes does a pedophile wear?

White vans.
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So I was on a train with Einstein and he turns to me and asks...

Does Boston stop at this train?
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Why did the cucumber call 911?

It was in a pickle!
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How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?

One. But the guitarist has to show him first.

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What do you get if you cross a cat with a dark horse?

Kitty Perry

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Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself?

It was two tired.
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I think I want a job cleaning mirrors.


It's something I could really see myself doing.
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What bird can lift the most?

A crane.
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