What do you give a sick bird?

Tweetment.
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I don’t play soccer because I enjoy the sport.

I’m just doing it for kicks.
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What did the sub-atmoic ducks say?

Quark!
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Why don't bears wear shoes?

What's the use, they'd still have bear feet
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How many musicians does it take to change a light bulb?

Twenty. One to hold the bulb, two to turn the ladder, and 17 to be on the guest list.
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Have you seen the new HGTV show about the Whitehouse makeover?

It's called "Trump It or Dump It".
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What do you call a man with a rubber toe?

Roberto.
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A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a trainload of terrapins,

What a turtle disaster

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What does a skeleton say before dinner?

Bone appetit!
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A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

The blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"
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