What do you give a sick bird?

Tweetment.

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What emotional disorder does a gas chromatograph suffer from?

Separation anxiety.
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What's the name of the archeologist that works at Scotland Yard?

Sherlock Bones.
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There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest.. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win.

Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

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What do you call a man with a rubber toe?

Roberto.
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How do you make a rock float?

Put it in a glass with some ice cream and root beer.
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Why don't honest people need beds?

They don't lie.
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What do you call a dog with a Rolex?

A watch dog.

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How many Roman Catholics does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two, one to screw it in, and another to repent.

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Why did the boy take a ladder to school?

He wanted to go to high school!
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