What do you give a sick bird?

Tweetment.
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How do you know the economy is only getting worse?

On the latest episode of "Celebrity Apprentice", Donald Trump fired himself!
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What is the most important rule in chemistry?

Never lick the spoon!
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What did the peanut say to the elephant?

Nothing, peanuts don't talk.
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What's the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?

The lawyer charges more.
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Why did the boy take a ruler to bed?

To see how long he slept.
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Jesus fed 5000 people with two fishes and a loaf of bread.

That's not a miracle. That's tapas.
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What do you call a cheese factory in the Middle East?

Cheeses of Nazareth.
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What's the best parting gift?

A comb.
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What do you call two ants that run away to get married?

Ant-elopes!
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