What do you give a sick bird?

Tweetment.
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What did the belly button say just before it left?

I'm outtie here!

Tom: I bet I can make you say purple.
Joe: How?
Tom: What colors are in the American flag?
Joe: Red, white and blue.
Tom: I told you I can make you say red.
Joe: You said purple!
Tom: I told you I could make you say purple!
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What do you call a wheel made of iron?

A ferrous wheel.
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How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?

One. But the guitarist has to show him first.

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Did you know that oxygen went for a second date with potassium?
How did it go?

It went OK2!
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How many polite New Yorkers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Both of them.
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How many Macintosh users does it take to change a light bulb?

None. You have to replace the whole motherboard.
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Why does hamburger yield lower energy than steak?

Because it's in the ground state.
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What do you call a pig who knows karate?

Porkchop
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How did the chemist survive the famine?

By subsisting on titrations.
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