What do you see when you look into Trump's eyes?

Answer: The back of his head.
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What did the peanut say to the walnut?

Nothing. Nuts can't talk.
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What do planets like to read?

Comet books!
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How many college girls does it take to change a light bulb?

That's "women," you unfunny jerk!
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What's the difference between a fish and a piano?

You can't tuna fish.
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What kind of phones do people in jail use?

Cell phones
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There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest.. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win.

Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
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What goes around a haunted house and never stops?

A fence.
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I thought about going on an all-almond diet.

But that's just nuts
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