What do you throw to a drowning lawyer?

His partners.
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I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags,

he's bisatchel.

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What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?

A vampire only sucks blood at night.
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When Susan's boyfriend proposed marriage to her she said: "I love the simple things in life,

but I don't want one of them for my husband".

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What is a pirate's favorite's fish?

A swordfish
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What did the one penny say to the other penny?

We make perfect cents.
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How do you wake up Lady Gaga?

You Poke her face.

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"I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He said, "How flexible are you?"

I said, "I can't make Tuesdays"

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Where do fish keep their money?

In a river bank
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Why do cows wear bells?

Because their horns don't work.

There were two cows in a field. The first cow said "moo" and the second cow said "baaaa." The first cow asked the second cow, "why did you say baaaa?" The second cow said, "I'm learning a foreign language."
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