What do you throw to a drowning lawyer?

His partners.
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How do you get a cello player to play in tune?

Tell him the key signature has 8 sharps.

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Why was the mouse afraid of the water?

Catfish
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When does New Year's Day come before Christmas Day?

Every year!
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What's worse than a centipede with athlete's foot?

A porcupine with split ends
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A proton and a neutron are walking down the street.
The proton says, "Wait, I dropped an electron help me look for it."

The neutron says "Are you sure?" The proton replies "I'm positive."
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How did the butcher introduce his wife?

Meet Patty.
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What did the Donald tell an illegal immigrant who was trying to put out a fire at Trump Tower?

No way Hose A.
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A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a trainload of terrapins,

What a turtle disaster

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What is green and pecks on trees?

Woody the Wood Pickle.
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