What do you throw to a drowning lawyer?

His partners.
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Why did the policeman give the sheep a ticket?

He was a baaaaaaaaad driver.
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What did the guitarist do when his teacher told him to turn his amplifier on?

He caressed it softly and told it that he loved it

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What do you call a crate of ducks?

A box of quackers.
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So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds".

I said, "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".
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Why are elephants wrinkled?

Because they don't fit on a ironing board
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Why did the calendar write its will?

Its days were numbered.
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What's the difference between a tuba and a vacumn cleaner?

You have to turn one of them on before it sucks.

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Whenever I get to Edinburgh, I'm reminded of the definition of a gentleman.

It's someone who knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.
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Why did the Christmas tree go to the barber?

It needed to be trimmed.
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