What does a cat call a hummingbird?

Fast food.
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What's the difference between a tick and a lawyer?

The tick falls off when you are dead.
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What do you call an exploding monkey?

A baboom
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What does Melania see in Donald Trump?

"Ten billion dollars and high cholesterol!"
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What's the slipperiest country?

Greece!
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What happens when you play Beethoven backwards?

He decomposes.

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How do you make Holy water?

Take regular water and just boil the hell out of it.
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"I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He said, "How flexible are you?"

I said, "I can't make Tuesdays"

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What do lawyers and sperm have in common?

One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.
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How many light bulbs does it take to change a light bulb?

One, if it knows its own Goedel number.
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