What does a cat call a hummingbird?

Fast food.
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Helium walks into a bar,
The bar tender says "We don't serve noble gasses in here."

Helium doesn't react.
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What kind of dogs do chemists have?

Laboratory Retrievers
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What do birds say on Halloween?

Twick o tweet
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How many grips does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two: One to hold it, one to hammer it in.
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What do vampires take when they are sick?

Coffin drops!
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Want to hear a joke about construction?

I'm still working on it.
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What room does a ghost not need?

A living room!
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How many record producers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two… one to tell the engineer to do it, the other to say "I don't know, what do you think?"

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How many Stanford professors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One to write a paper claiming that light is a pig whitey invention, one to organize a Darkness Studies program, and one hundred to protest the Diablo Canyon Nuclear Generating Station.
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