What does a lawyer get when you give him Viagra?

Taller
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What do you call a cat sitting on the beach on Christmas Eve?

Sandy Claws.
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I thought about going on an all-almond diet.

But that's just nuts
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How many guitar players does it take to change a light bulb?

Five. One to change the bulb and eleven to say they could do it faster.

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Ah, I had a great boomerang joke...

It'll come back to me.
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A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

The blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"

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How many Executive Producers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Executive Producers don't screw in a light bulb, they screw in a hot tub.

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Why does Donald Trump prefer E.T. to illegal immigrants?

Because E.T. eventually went home!
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What room does a ghost not need?

A living room!
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What do you call a thieving alligator?

A crookodile

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