What does a skeleton say before dinner?

Bone appetit!
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What goes 99 thump,99 thump,99 thump?

A centipede with a wooden leg.
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How many light bulbs does it take to change a light bulb?

One, if it knows its own Goedel number.
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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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What kind of band can't play music?

A rubber band.
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What has four legs, a trunk, and sunglasses?

A mouse on vacation.
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How many Union Lighting Technicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

It's not a bulb, it's a globe.
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What is very funny and makes dogs itch?

The Flea Stooges!
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Why did the cow cross the road?

Because the chicken was on vacation.
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