What does a witch use to keep her hair up?

Scarespray!
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Two chemists go into a restaurant.
The first one says "I think I'll have an H2O."

The second one says "I think I'll have an H2O too" -- and he died.
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How is Donald Trump going to create middle class jobs?

By paying them to cheer for him during campaign events.
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How do you prevent a Summer cold?

Catch it in the Winter!
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How many U.S. Marines does it take to change a light bulb?

Fifty — one to screw in the bulb and 49 to guard him/her.
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How many astronomers does it take to change a light bulb?

None. Astronomers prefer the dark.
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Why do loud, obnoxious whistles exist at some factories?

To give us some sort of appreciation for flutes.

Did you hear about that music composer who committed suicide? He didn't even leave a note.

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What is the snake's favorite subject?

Hiss-story
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How many polite New Yorkers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Both of them.
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