What does a witch use to keep her hair up?

Scarespray!
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How many assholes does it take to change a light bulb?

None; assholes never see the light anyway.
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Did you know that you can cool yourself to -273.15 Degrees C

and still be 0k?
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How many sound engineers does it take to change a light bulb

None, sound engineers don't do lights
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How many socialists does it take to change a light bulb?

One to petition the Ministry of Light for a bulb, 50 to establish the state production quota, 200 militia to force the factory unions to allow production of the bulb, and one to surreptitiously dial an "800" number to order an American light bulb.
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How do locomotives hear?

Through the engineers.
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What did one eye say to the other?

Between you and me, something smells.
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What type of cars do elves drive?

Toy-otas.
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Why was the baseball player arrested in the middle of the game?

He was caught stealing second base.
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