What does a witch use to keep her hair up?

Scarespray!
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"I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He said, "How flexible are you?"

I said, "I can't make Tuesdays"

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Why did the elephant leave the circus?

He was tired of working for peanuts.
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Why did the lamb cross the road?

To get to the baaaaarber shop
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Someone threw a bottle of omega 3 pills at me

Luckily my injuries were only super fish oil
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Why couldn't the pirates play cards?

They were sitting on the deck!
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I used to work in a shoe recycling shop.

It was sole destroying.
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What's a dog's favorite food for breakfast?

Pooched eggs.
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What do you call a scared train?

A fright train!
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