What does a witch use to keep her hair up?

Scarespray!
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What do you call a Mexican who has lost his car?

Carlos.
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How many stock brokers does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to take out the bulb and drop it, and the other to try and sell it before it crashes (knowing that it's already burned out).
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Did you hear oxygen went on a date with potassium?

It went OK.
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How many Macintosh users does it take to change a light bulb?

None. You have to replace the whole motherboard.
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Doc, I can't stop singing the 'Green Green Grass of Home'. He said: 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'. 'Is it common?'I asked.

'It's not unusual' he replied.

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What did the picture say to the wall?

I've been framed.
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A proton and a neutron are walking down the street.
The proton says, "Wait, I dropped an electron help me look for it."

The neutron says "Are you sure?" The proton replies "I'm positive."
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Why did New Jersey get all the toxic waste and California all the lawyers?

New Jersey got to pick first.
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