What does a witch use to keep her hair up?

Scarespray!
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What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?

One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter.
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What is the difference between a guitarist and a Savings Bond?

Eventually a Savings Bond will mature and earn money!

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"My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance.

We'll see about that."

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Humpty Trumpty wants a great wall.

Humpty Trumpty wants Mexico to pay for it all.
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What do you call a cow that twitches?

Beef jerky
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What did the carrot say to the rabbit?

Do you want to grab a bite?
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What day of the week tastes the best?

Sunday!
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What's the difference between a tick and a lawyer?

The tick falls off when you are dead.
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