What does a witch use to keep her hair up?

Scarespray!
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How many existentialists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two: One to screw it in and one to observe how the light bulb itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a maudlin cosmos of nothingness.
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What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?

A good start!
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What do you call a cow with three legs?

Lean beef.
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Why don't they know where Mozart is buried?

Because he's Haydn.

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Have you seen the new HGTV show about the Whitehouse makeover?

It's called "Trump It or Dump It".
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How many folk musicians does it take to change a light bulb?

Seven. One to change it and the other six to sing about how good the old one was.
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What does new age music sound like played backwards?

New age music.

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How did the chemist survive the famine?

By subsisting on titrations.
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