What does a witch use to keep her hair up?

Scarespray!
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What are lawyers good for?

They make used car salesmen look good.
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How do you stop a dog barking in the back seat of a car?

Put him in the front seat.
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What did the peanut say to the walnut?

Nothing. Nuts can't talk.
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How many music teachers does it take to screw in a light bulb??

None. music teachers can't afford lightbulbs.
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Where do soldiers keep their armies?

In their Sleevies!
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How many accountants does it take to screw in a light bulb?

What kind of answer did you have in mind?
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What do you call a dog that likes bubble baths?

A shampoodle
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A proton and a neutron are walking down the street.
The proton says, "Wait, I dropped an electron help me look for it."

The neutron says "Are you sure?" The proton replies "I'm positive."
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