What does Melania see in Donald Trump?

"Ten billion dollars and high cholesterol!"
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What do you do if your cat swallows your pencil?

Use a pen.
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Why did the boy put candy under his pillow?

Because he wanted sweet dreams.
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What emotional disorder does a gas chromatograph suffer from?

Separation anxiety.
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What do you call a 400-pound gorilla?

Sir.
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How many socialists does it take to change a light bulb?

One to petition the Ministry of Light for a bulb, 50 to establish the state production quota, 200 militia to force the factory unions to allow production of the bulb, and one to surreptitiously dial an "800" number to order an American light bulb.
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Why can't lawyers do NMR?

Bar magnets have poor homogeneity.
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What's the difference between a lawyer and a leech?

After you die, a leech stops sucking your blood.
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What do you call a dinosaur in a car accident?

A tyrannosauraus wreck
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